nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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