peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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