My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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