anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
