im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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