dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
