I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
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I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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