Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize