I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
