we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
