The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
