Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
