you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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