My sheets look like a crime scene.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
