I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
