Pappa wants mamma naked
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
This is the high leading the old right now
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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