her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
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Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
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I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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