You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
