I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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