i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
