how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
