im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
