i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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