I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
