i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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