wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
