i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
