maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
