You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How does one acquire holy water?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
