So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
