Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Everything about him screamed your future.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
