I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
