A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
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You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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