between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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