I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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