I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
