im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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