forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I need mimosas to revive my soul
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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