Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just google imaged poop.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
