Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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