and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
