We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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