My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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