you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
