I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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