We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
