Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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