There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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