I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We're too hungover to prance.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
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