I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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