Someone shit on the floor
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
