for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
