So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
