she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
