I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
