I cannot find my penis.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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