I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
